So I walked the seven miles to the place where I would finally rest. Nothing reminded me of your face, your voice, your beautiful smile. I could dwell my mind and rest my soul. Every day I would make long walks, never knowing where I would end up, or if it would end at all. All I would think about were the daffodils that seemed to multiply every day. They were carefree, and I pretended to be carefree too, but that I didn´t know at the time. Less to my disappointment, my mind started to play tricks on me, first I noticed, but soon I also forgot to do something as simple as noticing. I was just observing the yellow, I lost without even knowing I was competing.On one of my long and lonely walks I passed the river and momentarily I lost my interest in nothing, or how one also might call it, my disinterest in everything else. The glowing water reminded me of something, something from a long distance in my present state of mind. A glistering like one that represented a smile, on a boat, the sun melting in the water, hissing, fighting to stay on the surface, but losing ground to the moon, which was already smiling its once a month coziness.And there I was again, lost in the past. Music humming in the background, coming from far, a world no longer mine, lost forever, even by doing so myself. My mindless walk flashes through my renewed mind. I saw you standing. The tall, white dressed figure, hair glowing by moonlight, skin glowing in the dying sun. If this was even possible, didn´t cross my mind, maybe it was, maybe it wasn´t. It didn´t change my feelings of belonging. You belonged to me, nothing other than that matter and would never matter. So I stepped forward, two steps closer to your body I longed for, or to be more precise, your body I craved for. If there was ever something I craved for it was this forbidden fruit. But I forgot, forgot your loneliness and sadness. Your endless sessions of not speaking, looking pale towards the moon, hiding away from the sun, the sun that burned at your sensitive mind. Lost in nothing, lost in fields of daffodils.And then my hand reached out to touch your skin and my movement felt momentarily faster, just at the moment I missed the flesh that should have been there. Your sad eyes aging your face in front of me. Looking more sad than ever, no rest in the place where you fled too, not so long ago. In the place where you were now, that specific moment is, was and will be in past, present and future, all at once, as time is but relative and mere a way for us to pinch ourselves into existence.That was the moment I started to walk. It felt like seven miles, but if it were seventy, seven hundred or even seven thousand miles, I wouldn´t know. Let alone care. It could have been even longer than that, or maybe just a fraction of the time, it has felt to me, which was like a lighting bold flashing through a pitch black sky. I started to lose myself in the same fields, were your bare feet touched the black, sticky soil.Could there every be something more important? More important than that dreamboat journey, would I ever wake-up from this longing for someone that didn´t even wanted to be here. Can I follow, to where you fled, save you from that you were running away from and therefore right into it. Could I ever?There was nothing left than walking… and soon I forgot again. I just loved the yellow fields, the burning sun and the hissing when the moon would gain ground again…© Natasza Tardio - August 17th, 2007Note: This piece of text came suddenly in my mind, and the words more or less came without thinking. In the end it was exactly what I wanted to write - Natasza.
