Tasz schrijft…

So I walked the seven miles to the place where I would finally rest. Nothing reminded me of your face, your voice, your beautiful smile. I could dwell my mind and rest my soul. Every day I would make long walks, never knowing where I would end up, or if it would end at all. All I would think about were the daffodils that seemed to multiply every day. They were carefree, and I pretended to be carefree too, but that I didn´t know at the time. Less to my disappointment, my mind started to play tricks on me, first I noticed, but soon I also forgot to do something as simple as noticing. I was just observing the yellow, I lost without even knowing I was competing.On one of my long and lonely walks I passed the river and momentarily I lost my interest in nothing, or how one also might call it, my disinterest in everything else. The glowing water reminded me of something, something from a long distance in my present state of mind. A glistering like one that represented a smile, on a boat, the sun melting in the water, hissing, fighting to stay on the surface, but losing ground to the moon, which was already smiling its once a month coziness.And there I was again, lost in the past. Music humming in the background, coming from far, a world no longer mine, lost forever, even by doing so myself. My mindless walk flashes through my renewed mind. I saw you standing. The tall, white dressed figure, hair glowing by moonlight, skin glowing in the dying sun. If this was even possible, didn´t cross my mind, maybe it was, maybe it wasn´t. It didn´t change my feelings of belonging. You belonged to me, nothing other than that matter and would never matter. So I stepped forward, two steps closer to your body I longed for, or to be more precise, your body I craved for. If there was ever something I craved for it was this forbidden fruit. But I forgot, forgot your loneliness and sadness. Your endless sessions of not speaking, looking pale towards the moon, hiding away from the sun, the sun that burned at your sensitive mind. Lost in nothing, lost in fields of daffodils.And then my hand reached out to touch your skin and my movement felt momentarily faster, just at the moment I missed the flesh that should have been there. Your sad eyes aging your face in front of me. Looking more sad than ever, no rest in the place where you fled too, not so long ago. In the place where you were now, that specific moment is, was and will be in past, present and future, all at once, as time is but relative and mere a way for us to pinch ourselves into existence.That was the moment I started to walk. It felt like seven miles, but if it were seventy, seven hundred or even seven thousand miles, I wouldn´t know. Let alone care. It could have been even longer than that, or maybe just a fraction of the time, it has felt to me, which was like a lighting bold flashing through a pitch black sky. I started to lose myself in the same fields, were your bare feet touched the black, sticky soil.Could there every be something more important? More important than that dreamboat journey, would I ever wake-up from this longing for someone that didn´t even wanted to be here. Can I follow, to where you fled, save you from that you were running away from and therefore right into it. Could I ever?There was nothing left than walking… and soon I forgot again. I just loved the yellow fields, the burning sun and the hissing when the moon would gain ground again…© Natasza Tardio - August 17th, 2007Note: This piece of text came suddenly in my mind, and the words more or less came without thinking. In the end it was exactly what I wanted to write - Natasza.

I walked a thousand miles, a thousand miles of happiness, sorrow, laughter, grief, anger, disappointment and pure luck. My road has been more than interesting, it has been a trail of excitement and surprises, some of which I only could appreciate after lengths of time. I learnt to banish some strong emotions which somehow every now and then still pop up, just to remind me of their true meaning and to teach me the emptiness of all things including the image of a self existing separately from all other beings.

I walked a thousand miles, just to discover I moved myself forward only three. Am I disappointed? If I would say yes I would probably loose those three, instead I smile and am thankful for all that I have gained. It is not of any value what the distance is or how many shoes I have spend, what is important is how much sunlight has touched my face while walking my lonely, but interesting road. My strength lies in recognizing the simplicity of live while mirroring its complexity. At the same time I am grateful for the three miles I moved myself closer to my intention of helping others in their everlasting struggle to escape the wheel of samsara, just as they help me, both friends and foes.

I walked a thousand miles and I am more than prepared to walk another thousand, even if it would get me half as far as the first thousand did. Grateful I will undertake my journey in the hope it will help all living beings. I will walk another thousand miles and even walk a thousand more, so is my destiny.

© Natasza

Creaking noises are coming from the stairs. Quickly I pull the blankets over my head, making a shelter, a hiding place in my bed. I still my breathing, listening while the old clock chimes in the New Year. My resolution now to hear more noises, warnings of danger, telling myself that I am safe, at least as long as I stay hidden under the protective blankets.Minutes slowly pass, my breath calmer, deeper. Slowly I pull my self-made tent away. Cold air brushes softly against my hot cheeks, like a chill kiss.I didn´t even have the time to scream…© Natasza - 6 January 2007(Note van de schrijver: Bovenstaand stuk is een drabble. Wat is een drabble? Een drabbel is een geschreven verhaal met een begin, een midden en een eind. Wat het lastig maakt is dat een drabble uit een bepaald aantal woorden dient te bestaan. Bij deze drabble is dat 100 woorden excl. titel. Geen 99, geen 101, maar exact 100. Het is tevens een goede schrijfoefening om te leren in korte bewoordingen toch volledig te schrijven. Deze drabble heb ik geschreven voor een internationale schrijfwedstrijd, vandaar het engels.)

From the beginning of time man has been searching for the meaning of life, the meaning of being, the reason of existing. Why do people search for these kinds of answers? Why does there has to be a reason or even an explanation why and on how we exist? Almost 95% of our world population does believe in a higher power, God, Allah or some other higher being. Something or someone who created all of us and brings some sense in the craziness of our existence gives us the breathing space to bare the terrible things that happen to us because there is a reason. God´s will, the prophet´s word, Allah demands… It makes things easy; we can relax and don´t have to feel responsible, because it is not in our hands. Whatever happens, whatever we do, in the end we are not in control! Oh yes we strive to be independent, to be smart and quick in our thinking. We want to be proud at our accomplishments and most of all we want to be loved. Preferably unconditionally, just for who we are, with all our mistakes and funny or even strange habits. It is not only that we want this, it is worse than that; we need to be loved.
This is a typical quid pro quo situation. We can not love if we are not being loved. The burden of mankind… to desire what you long to give and without receiving this gift from somebody else to be overwhelmed by desire and reverse the longing to love in the trap of starting to hate.

How can you break this circle of destruction, how can you be freed from this suffering, how can you start to love without the need to be loved yourself?

For centuries we have been trying to find the path to salvation by seeking refuge with one of the many religions. Unexplainable events and apparently normal things suddenly are being seen in a different light if the word God peeks around the corner.

There are only a few people who, when they achieve something big, dare to claim that they accomplished this purely and solely by their own willpower and persuasion. And there are even fewer people who are big enough to claim this when they feel like they failed big time.
Both with success and especially failure, all kind of high spiritual creatures are being used as the ultimate secret weapon which made the person in question go that extra mile or is taking over free will so failure becomes part of destiny.

In fact it doesn´t really matter if you believe in a God or not. In the end all that counts is the effort and with that the result. To truly love without asking anything in return. To be unselfish and open, to feel real compassion for all living beings. To find within oneself the strength to see things for what they really are. To be responsible. Even to have faith in a higher being can only work if you have faith in yourself, in your own Buddha-nature.

There is more than that what only can be seen with the naked eye. And even that what you can actually see can be something else than what we observed. For example; doesn´t a drop of rain which is being lightened by the sun, just look like a diamond and does the sound of a forest which is full of life not just sound like a magnificent symphony? Not everything seems to be what it really is and not everything is what is supposed to be. It is all in the eye of the beholder.

© Natasza

It screams, it shouts, it wants, it demands? at least that is what most people without children see when they look at babies, toddlers, teenagers or young adults who are in one of the stages of becoming a grown up. I know because in a past lived life I too looked in that way at the miniature human being which seems to live everywhere. I say on purpose in a past lived life, because that is how it looks to me and more than that, that is how I think about it?. my life without children and my life with children. And ever so much I like to look back and take a look at my life and imagine from memory how it would be to live again without those little monsters…

So what do I see when I look at my life without children? I see sudden unprepared trips, I see getting up really late on Saturdays and Sundays, I see quite evenings and even more quite nights, I see having sex at any moment of the day, in any room of the house you like. I see going on vacation with only one suitcase and I see a sporty car with almost no seats in the back. But there is more when I look at this life without children. There is this feeling of incompleteness, a certain longing which slowly grows stronger and stronger, until it makes me realize that I want to have more out of live than those childless pleasures which were indeed very pleasurable, but also very shallow and meaningless. And so I crossed over and stepped into my life with children, still thinking I would stay the same. How wrong I was. It was like a complete change! It was all I dreamed it would be and at the same time it was nothing like I had ever imagined. Dualism in its purist form, with me in the centre being lived by my emotions, there was no way back.

I did not expect I would instantly love that little creature, but I took one look at my son and I did, it was love at first sight and still when I look at him now I feel that same love. I do not always like it if he is naughty, or when he doesn´t want to listen to me and is screaming that I am the worst mother in the world. Also I do not like it when he wakes me up in the middle of the night for just a glass of water, but I always love him. And it is this kind of love which consumes me as a constant factor. Not growing, not shrinking, but always there like a lighthouse in the fog, guiding me on my way home. Because that is what I believe the feeling of having children is; the feeling of coming home. Warmth, like a blanket which shelters you against the cold. When I wrap my arm around my little boy and I hold him close to me, smelling his hair, feeling his skin, I feel completely relaxed. Nothing can hurt me and I will let nothing hurt him. I do not have to pretend, because not only do I love him unconditionally, he also loves me for what I am. It is the miracle of being a parent. Parents are always loved by their children and if you are a loving parent then this love will stay for the rest of your and their lives, as a beautiful gift ready to be opened.

The best thing about having children is that they are your greatest teachers; they challenge you, keep you focused, learn you about responsibility, teach you about unconditional love and keep you young with their growing minds and everlasting energy. They teach you how to teach them, it is a symbiosis between parent and child. Through your children you can nourish the child within yourself and you can still be amazed by just a simple flower or a drop of frozen water. You can still be sad about the snowman which is melting when the spring sun is returning from her winter sleep and go to Harry Potter movies without any shame.

There is no specific reason why one should want to have children, why it should benefit you in any way, but one thing is sure? A lot of childless people do regret never having any children in their lives, but there are only very few who regret having the opportunity and the challenge of guiding a human being on becoming an independent and happy grown up with in themselves as much love as is needed to share this love with someone else and maybe continue this circle of live and have children of their own. Perhaps it is in fact a trap, but if so then it is surely a trap in which you gladly would liked to step, or a damn good reason why one should want to have children?

© Natasza Tardio